When the Dust Settles

To an ordinary person, it's just an ordinary day. Life goes on & everything seems the same. Nothing is out of place and nothing is extraordinary.

It's funny isn't it? How life is.. How the world, although so connected are so isolated from one another.

To everyone else, today is just another day.

To me, I see that the world has rotated ever so quickly. That a day goes off in a blink of an eye, a month flies before you can breathe, and a year has come and gone.

For me, today marks the one year anniversary of the loss of the most incredible man I have ever known.

I can't believe it's been a year since the moment I found out the news. The details of that day continues to flash through my mind today. The smell of the hospital, the warm body I hugged till it turned cold and solid, the 5 stages of grief that I went through in the short 2 hours and the tire I felt without sleep for 24 hours because I had to plan a last minute funeral with nothing.

I always made my dad promise me that he'll always be here for me but somehow he never would. He'll always tell me "Ping, when I'm gone, I want you to.." and before he could finish his sentences I'll always cut him off & tell him "Don't say things like that.. You'll always be around" somehow a part of me now wished I'd let him finish those sentences because now I'm stuck in fucked up situations and lost without knowing what to do.

Even though my life has been a downhill spiral from the day I was born, I never knew how ironically easy my life was until my dad left. I guess I did take advantage of the lack of adult responsibility & I never asked him about any issues I should know or learn about in case of emergencies.

Now that he's gone, all this adult responsibilities are poured onto me & I'm screwing it up one at a time.

I miss him for every reason. For just being the one person I can always turn to who will understand I don't wanna talk but just have someone there to keep me company. To be the one man I know who will never hurt me or betray me.

There'll never be a replacement I know that and I will never be able to fill that empty hole that my father used to fill.

I just want to be able to make him proud and to fully become an adult who can take care of myself so he won't worry about me.

I guess I'm not all that independent as people think I am. I realized I am pretty shielded from a lot of things by my father.

It's amazing how a year has gone by & everyone else doesn't seem to be affected. Yet for me, it's the one day that changed my life forever. The day I would never be the same. The day a piece of me died too.

One thing I've learnt from this is that, a tragedy will leave a world shaped hole in you but the world won't have a hole shaped as you when you're the tragedy.

I miss you daddy & I love you every day. I'm sorry I haven't been a good daughter the pass few years and I wished I could do so much more for you. I just hope that one day I can make you proud so that when I meet you soon, you'll be happy.